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Woman's Workout A
Woman's Workout
Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is
something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my
pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after
my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
Tuesday
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me
lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air --then he put weights on
it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new
life for me.
Wednesday
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too
perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get
in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with
dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent
Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I
sank.
Friday
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't
have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
&*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure
you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude
from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
Saturday
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash
the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather
Channel.
Sunday
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the
BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy