THE FACTS OF LIFE: (According to Mikey!)

• The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with..
• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
• Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
• Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
• A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
• It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
• If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
• Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
• Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
• Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:

• Better save that, we'll need it for the autopsy.
• Someone call the janitor--we're going to need a mop.
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
• Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
• Oh no! I just lost my Rolex!
• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
• Darn, there go the lights again...
• Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, this guy's got two of 'em.
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.
• Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
• What's this doing here?
• I hate it when they're missing stuff in here...
• That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
• I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
• Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
• What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
• Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
• And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
• OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
• Don't worry, I think it's sharp enough.
• What do you mean you want a divorce?
• She gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!
• FIRE! FIRE!! Everyone get out now!
• Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

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Engineering Exam

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell.

Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Therefore,

1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true.

Q.E.D. Hell is exothermic.

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