1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday, at 4 p.m., there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, come early.
3. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed", accompanied by the Pastor.
4. Thursday, at 5 p.m., there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet the pastor in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belser.

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1. Everyone will avoid you, even though your personality isn't infectious.
2. The extreme monotony of your life will cause you to hallucinate.
3. You have large reserves of smug self-satisfaction and suppressed feelings of superiority. Draw on these resources.
4. Accept the fact that you will never fully understand why others are so inferior to you.
5. Only use moderation in moderation.
6. In some ways, yesterday seems long ago; In other ways it seems like only yesterday....
7. Necrophiliacs find you attractive.
8. Optimists will pretend you're invisible.
9. You will develop a sense of humor and die laughing at yourself.
10. Your long life will reflect the advantages of dying young.
11. You are the Chosen One, just like you always suspected.
12. You need a prescription for a mind-altering drug that hasn't been invented yet.
13. Look to premature senility to save your self-respect.
14. Look to be pleasantly surprised sometime around mid-May, 2023.
15. Close friends will surprise you tonight with the absence of a party.
16. You're a horrible monster trapped in a human body.
17. Take comfort in the saying "beauty is only skin deep"
18. Tell yourself that a dull life is a sign of a fulfilled person.
19. A rare conjunction of stars means bad luck for the rest of your life.
20. A trusted friend will outlive you.
21. Your world is a miserable, doomed place.
22. Do whatever you want. You don't matter.
23. Lying is your key.
24. A disfiguring car accident will improve your looks.
25. You were born the wrong sex.
26. You will soon be able to do all the things sane people can do.
27. Look to cemeteries for sexual satisfaction.
28. As a member of the world conspiracy, you control your own future.
29. You will change your sexual orientation, and then change back once
30. You find that your new acquantainces don't like you either.
31. Events later this year will prove your life isn't as bad as it could be.
32. All your fantasies will come true after your imagination is surgically removed.
33. You may find happiness at the bottom of an ordinary looking bottle of beer. You must be over the age of 21, enter as often as you want. If you win a hangover instead, congratulations!
34. The simple life is your key. It will make you miserable.
35. You're too unstable to understand yourself, much less calculus or other people.
36. You'll change your definitions of "fat" and "ugly" to save your self-respect.
37. Neurologists will discover that the voices you hear in your head are only echoes.
38. Your hopes and your future have nothing in common.
39. Your dog finds you repulsive.
40. You will only find peace when you yield completely to society's control.
41. Your dog is aging faster than you are.
42. You will meet your perfect mate today. Congratulations!
43. It's yourself.
44. Very large doses of radiation could release power hidden in your dormant genes.
45. Sixty years from now, you'll start to doubt that the only way to fail in life is by not trying.
46. You'll never find out whether you're miserable because you're a failure or vice versa.
47. People who believe, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," will refuse to talk to you.
48. Listen to your instincts, and do the opposite.
49. Your calculus grades may be misleading, but skill at lying, deception, and abusing people's trust is much more useful than calculus anyway.
50. Over the next few decades you'll convince people to stop pretending that survival requires courage, intelligence and wisdom.
51. Your loved ones will donate your corpse to science while you're still healthy.
52. Cannibalism suits you.
53. You deserve to be disappointed.
54. Your fish resents your control over its life.
55. You will become obsessively self-conscious about those knobby knees.
56. You will be thrown out of the sanitarium when your family refuses to pay.
57. You have a knack for doublethink that you never realized you had. In fact, you will never realize it.
58. You have a special understanding of the mentally ill, and they have a special understanding of you.
59. Your lucky number is 511. Play the lottery every day, because you have no talents, and unless dumb luck makes you rich, people will continue to shun you.
60. Your multiple personalities don't prevent you from being dull.
61. Never argue with a fool; others may not be able to tell the difference.
62. There's more to life then being right and wrong. There's something in between called getting along
63. Things are more like they are now then they've ever been before".
64. The less things change, the more they stay the same.

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